Quotes/list of something

"Life is tale told by an idiot, full of sound and furry, signifying nothing."
-William Shakespeare

"Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of b@#$$%^ds."
-R. A. I think I Smellson

"Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism."
-???

"There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots."
-???

"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me."
-Jack Handey

"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."-Jasper Carrott


"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad."-Jack Handey

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."
-Jack Handey
"I want to die sleeping peacefully, - like my grandma; not screaming with horror, - like those, who were as passangers in her car."
-???

"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy

Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my car, encasing me inside and leaving me to slowly fall into an oxygen-deprived coma, from which I awaken five years later to find my wife remarried to my best friend. But then I think maybe I'm just being paranoid, because what are the odds of *that* happening again?"
-Jack Handy

"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."
-Jack Handey

"A friend is someone who will help you move; A good friend is someone who will help you move a body."
-???

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