Mischief-Making for Dummies: Pts. IV and V

IV- Do???s and Don???ts of Mischief

If the previous section was the best section, this one is the most important. You may think of this as peer pressure, and you would be right. But, if you don???t follow these simple ???guidelines,??? nobody will respect you for the wisecracker that you are.

DO get your name out there. It doesn???t matter how you do it, just make sure everyone knows that you are the one behind all the good stuff.

DON???T be a teacher???s pet. Whatever you do.

DO come up with a specific enemy, and get to know their traits and mannerisms. It helps later on.

DON???T be afraid to prank the teachers. If you ask me, they need to come down off their high hippogriffs every once in a while. Of course, nobody does seem to ask me???.

DO make sure whatever you say/do is funny. You can kill your image with a single Hynemann-esque corny joke.

DON???T drop one-liners such as ???We???ll see who???s laughing tomorrow???.??? to your next victims, however tempting it may be. It completely loses the element of surprise; and anyway, it???s not as if someone???s writing a novel about you and you have pressure to be as melodramatic as possible.

DO believe in yourself and your talents. If you don???t think you???re funny, nobody else will.
DON???T ever hold a position of authority. Quidditch Captain is okay, but not prefect and definitely not Head Boy or Girl. (This means you, Prongs! Think of all the young mischievous minds you are poisoning???.)

DO exercise your lack of authority in the most commanding way possible. (i.e.- stealing the best chairs, telling people off for interrupting your plotting, etc.)

DON???T sweat detentions. They???re inevitable, and if you get used to them, they???re not that terrible. Especially not if you hit on the teacher the whole time, regardless of gender.

V- General Knowledge

The general knowledge part of this handbook definitely takes the proverbial cake for ???most useful.??? Included are all the secret passageways, rooms, and just plain cool stuff Hogwarts has to offer, which is a surprising lot.

Secret Passageways

There are about four good passageways; there are seven in all, but the teachers know about the other three. Most of them lead to somewhere in Hogsmeade.

1. The One-eyed Witch Passage: Obviously, you already know about this one and how to get in it, because that???s where I hid this. In case you didn???t know, it leads into the cellar of Honeyduke???s. And again we return to the issue of integrity; you could take anything from the crates down there, and nobody would probably notice. I wouldn???t advise that, though. The folks there are pretty nice.

2. The Whomping Willow Passage: Bet you thought that was just there as some sort of sick joke, didn???t you? You know you did. But no, if you press a large knot in the side of the tree and go down the dark, creepy tunnel, you???ll come out in the Shrieking Shack. And it???s not haunted, that???s just an urban legend.

3. The Mirror Passage: This one???s a real thing of beauty. There???s a mirror on the third floor, east side, right across from a portrait of Elfrida Clagg. If you place your right hand in the top left corner and say ???Pixie pasta purchased in Paris pops pleasurably??? three times fast, the mirror goes transparent and there???s a passageway leading right into an alley behind the Three Broomsticks.

4. The Portrait Hole Passage: No, not the one into Gryffindor Tower, you dolt. There???s more than one portrait hole in the school, you know. The one I???m talking about is on the ground floor and the portrait is of Circe. (In case you don???t know what she looks like, she looks creepily like McGonagall, minus the scowl, plus a smirk.) Ask her if she has an awkward sea turtle, and she will tell you to go catch one in the Black Lake. Tell her you are allergic to water. She will let you in, and the passage leads to the Slytherin common room. (A good thing to know???.)

Secret (and Not-So-Secret) Rooms

The reason I say ???not-so-secret??? is because a couple of them everyone knows about. However, they don???t know how to actually get in, which makes knowing about them pretty pointless, actually.

1. The Kitchens: This is one of those ???not-so-secret??? ones; I mean, the food has to come from somewhere, doesn???t it? Just go to the ground floor and tickle the pear in the fruit bowl picture. A handle appears, and you guess what happens next. I???ll give you a hint: a toaster doesn???t drop from nowhere and start doing karate moves on you. If this does happen, you???ve had one too many Firewhiskeys. Which is slightly concerning, especially if you???re a first year.

2. The Room of Requirement: Definitely my favorite. It???s a wall one the seventh floor, across from a tapestry of some idiot getting the stuffing beaten out of him by trolls in tutus. (Not the way I???d like to die, how about you?) All you do is walk past it three times, thinking of what you want, and a door appears! It can do anything except food and people, according to What???s-His-Face???s Law of Whatchamacallit. Ask Moony if that???s not clear enough for you.

3. The Nameless Room: We haven???t gotten around to naming it yet. But it???s bloody awesome. You go to the fifth floor, and look for a white stone in the wall. With your finger, write ???Frogs go pop in the Floo network.??? The stone will become a door, and this room will turn into wherever the person you most want to see is. Historical Note???This came in a lot of handy for Jamesie, when he practically stalked Evans for about a year before she went out with him.

About This Knowledge

Whatever you do, don???t use it wisely.